Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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