I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
