dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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