bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
