I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
