I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
