So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
