i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
