RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
