Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
