frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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