Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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