ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
