apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish you could order shots online.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
