Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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