did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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