well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
