Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
