i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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