you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
