My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
whose parrot is this?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
