One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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