apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
