She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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