im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
