so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
