I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
