and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
