dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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