closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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