I CAN MOONWALK!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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