He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
