Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
