I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
