Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
