How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
