dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
