I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
