You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
