he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
