chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
