I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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