Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
