do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
