If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
