I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
