Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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