Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
