I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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