Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
