if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
