winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
