Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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