as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
