At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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